tears in my imaginary m&ms

Crying a lot of tears of frustration today and blogging about it only because I have no other way of an outlet at the moment. I am tired. Worn out and tired of being strong. I want to scream, beat my fists at someone and eat an entire bag of M&M's but only if they are peanut butter. I am trying to be a Proverbs 31 woman and trying to bite my tongue and keep it together. Instead, naughty words are filling my head, my blood pressure is probably thru the roof and my kids are currently being ignored because my mind is so fogged. They keep coming up to me, asking me why I am crying and begging to go to the dollar store. I shew them away while giving them only a silly response as to why I am crying. I just tell them I am angry. I guess that is pretty much the truth. I am angry.
It is hard to keep trusting and hard to stay positive all the time. I try my best but days like today I feel very defeated. Then I overthink these stupid thoughts and then my world really becomes a mess.
Thank you blogger.com for being there when no one else is there for me to vent to or when I am too ashamed to vent because in the scheme of life my venting has no grounds. I am totally a dork who blogs when I am mad but sometimes it totally makes me feel better. Now I do feel better but unfortunately it is one of those annoying days where the tears are going to have a mind of their own and keep flowing even though I am over it. Oh how I hate that. I am convinced that is part of the curse of sin!

So, now that this entry is nearing the end, I feel better but my head is pounding, the tears have wet my entire face and dropped on my shirt and my mouth is still watering for peanut butter M&M's that I do not have and cannot eat. SIGH.

YAHOOOOOO!!!!!!

A lot has happened since I last wrote. First and most important!!!!....... Our house is in a contract again! I am not sure how much I have blogged about this so here goes- we have been waiting for our buyers financing to come through and it finally has! We are so pumped and excited and thankful. She was the only one on the list to receive those funds and the funds came three weeks sooner than expected. It has been quite a ride but I know that God has a plan and His timing is perfect. I am so thankful that there are not even enough words for me to explain how I feel. AND Joel is coming out at the end of April! There is a light at the end of this tunnel! :)


Also, we went to my cousins last night. We discussed education and it was so comforting to have family members affirm to me that they stood behind my choice to homeschool. I am thankful for family that cares, understands and simply trusts that Joel and I are making the choice that is right for our family and not just giving us all their narrow minded reasons about why we should not. A homeschool mother always needs that encouragement. Always.


I am so so so thankful today. I feel as though I have so much to shout about. So much to be thankful for. So much to think about and to hold tight to. God truly is good all of the time.

and this is why Rob Bell is completely missing the mark here. I am starting to feel that that man has no idea what he really believes. He has asked too many questions in his lifetime which would be fine if he actually had some answers. Thank you Mark Driscoll for speaking truth even if the truth is very painful. The truth usually is.

Praise the Lord our taxes are done!

I accomplished a lot today. New drivers license, new plates for my car, taxes signed and done.... and I even managed to school my children and get a run in the mix! It was a beautiful day. Nice and sunny and actually felt pretty warm. Jesslyn said it felt like summer!

We got to ichat with daddy tonight. It has been many weeks since we have seen him and we miss him terribly. We are in good hands here with my parents and we are having fun but there is no one who can take the place of daddy. Nevaeh especially. She is one who really needs her daddy around. She keeps talking about him and thinking about him and praying for the months to pass by quickly before he gets here.

We miss you daddy! xoxoxoxo

When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.
Psalm 94:19

I came across this verse yesterday and it was perfect for me to read. My thoughts are often anxious and they seem to multiply inside my head and turn into irrational thoughts of needless worry. I need to cling to this.

blah

Today was one of those days that I hate. I had some calls to take care of and some things to get done and some bills to pay. It was one of those days that seem to get away from me. Days where I feel distracted from my kids and unable to focus on things. My mind is scattered and my thoughts are everywhere. I feel anxious and feel like I want to fix things that are out of my hands. I want our house to finalize and for our life in Kentucky to come to a close. I want to no longer owe KY tax money .. I just want to put that state behind me. It was good to us in so many ways yet so frustrating in so many others.
We managed to get schoolwork done today. Often on these kind of days, it is tricky to even get some schoolwork done. I am glad that we at least did that. So, now I need to calm down, let go of things that I cannot control, and let God do His thing. I hate feeling anxious and I know that I need to knock it off.

Dear Daughters,

To my Nevaeh and Jesslyn,

I am so thankful to be your mother. I love each of you and am thankful for the unique personality that each of you has and for the special way that God has made both of you. I know I will never be perfect but trust me when I say that I am trying my best, in my own human helpless state, to be the best mom that I can to both of you. I want good for you. I want your hearts to be pure. I want you to make wise choices and to come to me for advice if you are not so sure what choice to make. I want you to be honest, hard working, and I want you to grow up to be strong women who fear God. I want you to follow your dreams and to accomplish the things and desires that God has put into your heart. I want you to cherish family. To respect your elders, to put others first, to enjoy life to the fullest.... to be full of joy and peace and to share your joy with others. I want you to not settle. To always live by your convictions. To know what you want and stand by what you believe. I want you to not follow the norm, to be your own person, to stand firm in who you are, to love the body that God gave you and to honor your body in all you do. I want you to seek God in your life, to treasure His word in your heart and to never give up. I know that God has big plans for you and I can't wait to see what those are someday. I love both of you..... and am often amazed at how blessed I am to be a mother.

Love,
Mommy

I am going to get our taxes done today. For many of you, you already know without me even saying it how excited I am when the word taxes is mentioned.. actually, it makes my stomach hurt and the thought of it makes me want to crawl under a rock for awhile. I am hoping that all of our past tax issues are now taken care of and I am really thankful that we will be out of KY and will no longer have to worry about making estimated taxes. That is the pits.

After I get the taxes done, I am going to meet my friend Rana for dinner tonight in Vancouver. I have seen her a few times since I have been home now but tonight we will be able to catch up on life. I am really looking forward to it. Plus, no kids... have I mentioned how great it is to have my parents around. I was able to run yesterday because my dad was around to watch the girls. It is fabulous!

My girls are really wanting to start making a little money helping out around the house.. well, grandmas house :) they cleaned their room this morning and have been picking up things all over the house. They are asking that I give them $2 a week each for them to keep up daily with making their bed and getting things picked up. Sounds like a deal to me. I know this is something that we should have started a long time ago .. to also incorporate the importance of money, how it works, how it is important to save some and all the other things that go along with money. A lot of lessons about money I am still learning myself.

Anyways, Happy St Patrick's Day. Jesslyn has already pinched me twice! I better get my green on!

The controversy

With all of the Rob Bell controversy going on today, there are many things that I could write, many feelings that stir up inside of me about the Emergent Church... but I listened to a clip today by John Piper about the Emergent church and it hit the nail on the head for me. He explained how dangerous it is to focus more on relationships than on truth. I am turned off by the lovey dovey touchy feely weird relationships that people have with one another. We focus so much on relationships and making people feel good and fuzzy inside that we often tend to ignore truth. Truth is truth. You either accept it or not. We are afraid to say something is absolute for fear of hurting someone. We must believe that the Bible is absolute truth. Piper hit in on the head and I hope he is right. I hope the Emergent church will not be around in ten years.

Tonight I was able to ichat with Joel. I have not seen him in over a month and it was nice for the kids and I to be able to see his face. We all are having a great time here with family but I know the girls are really missing him.

Today was a good day. We finished up school and then I headed to the lake for a run. It began to rain a bit and it felt so good. I think I might actually enjoy running in the rain. It does my heart good.

Why oh why do people call Jesus or God or whoever Papa. Drives me crazy. Papa? Really?!

I have figured out why I like Mark Driscoll. There are many reasons.... but ultimately, I am convinced that it is because he is not a pansy and he takes his job seriously. He is not afraid to call out those who are teaching dangerously. I love that. I hate when pastors do not take their jobs seriously and just let anything be taught or said or they don't step in to protect their sheep. It ticks me off. Thank you Driscoll, for stepping on toes, and for calling things out, and for taking your job seriously.

Birthdays!

Jesslyn turned 6 yesterday. I love that kid. She can often be difficult but she adds so much fun to our family.

Today I turned 34. Just a few more years and then 40?! yikes.

My mom took my girls shopping and they bought me gum, mentos, earrings, and a DVD of the Best of the Cosby Show for my birthday. Perfect gifts. They were so excited to see me open them and begged me all day to actually sit down and open the presents. Only thing missing today is daddy. We are surviving but wish he was around to celebrate with us!

Heritage....

I am not sure if this is all happening because I have a birthday quickly approaching, or if it is because I am now back in my hometown, or if this is just a natural progression in a persons life, but I have been reflecting a lot lately. I am starting to refocus and am feeling an extreme sense of getting my house in order. Not physical house, since I no longer have that, but in a sense of family, in raising my kids, and how I want that all to look. I am realizing and reflecting back on my childhood so much lately. I am beyond thankful for my parents my aunts and uncles, my cousins and for the rich heritage I have been raised with. This is actually overwhelming me lately. The goodness of God on my life because of my rich heritage. Talking about this brings me to tears and reminds me of His blessings and His goodness and hand on my life. We headed to my aunts last night for dinner and while we were there, we looked through old pics from 1986 of us all going to Sunriver and Disneyland. I love that my family was big and that we all did these fun trips together. As the night went on at my aunts, we talked about church, theology, stuff that is messed up in the church today and the weird and whacked out teachings that take place in churches today. I realized that my strong opinions and strong feelings for such nonsense comes from my family. I was raised to know better and to fear being deceived. I am thankful for a rock solid family.. filled with people who are strong in what they know and do not run to the next thought or book to the next new thing or feeling. I now know why I have sat in some of these classes where 'crap' is being taught, and it makes my skin crawl. I come by it honestly and I cannot just sit and jump on the next bandwagon with the rest of them. It is just not in me. All that to say, I want this for my kids. I want them to be rock solid. To know what they believe, to have family that stands with them and believes in them and prays for them. To have a foundation that is strong, that will never leave them. I pray for this daily.
As we left my aunts, my aunt prayed over Joel and I and for the process of our house to finalize. She encouraged me to trust and to thank Him for what He has done in Joel and I. God, am I thankful for my family and my heritage. My cup runs over... and over... and over.

Please Forgive Me - Jason Crabb, Michael English

LOVE this guys voice. Love this song. Love this video. Talk about humbling and what we should all act like.

PS- the singers in this room are amazing and flawless. No voice in secular music can even compare.

PEACE

I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free.

I am learning and trying to keep it at the top of my mind that having peace is priceless. True joy cannot be bought. Peace is such a great feeling. To be able to know true peace... there is nothing that can take its place.

Love these lyrics.. wish I always followed this.

What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.

Oh Boy

You know you are totally jaded when Charlie Sheen's recent behavior does not phase you. This is where I am at in life. The news is talking all about it. So, the man is saying stupid things and he is boasting about living with women who don't judge him. Of course they do not, they get to live with a millionaire and have all time access to cocaine and sex. Why would they leave? I am kind of sad that nothing shocks me anymore.